You Can't Bury Feelings
by cosmo-queen
Summary: Some of the unspoken thoughts going through Sara's mind during "The Talk". Post-ep for Snakes.


DISCLAIMER: No, I don't own CSI. Sigh. At least in my dreams, I can play with them in whatever way I like, and I can't get sued ;)

xOx

**__**

YOU CAN'T BURY FEELINGS

xOx

It was the death of Grissom's plant that made me do it. I woke up this morning and found it had withered up, despite the incessant care I devoted to it. At first, I was distraught. Throughout the past couple of years, this plant had become the only real link I had to Grissom that was not connected to work matters. After emotional cases which were made all the more difficult because of the tension between him and me, I would be reminded that perhaps he had cared. Once.

I then felt pathetic. After five years, Grissom buying me this plant was probably the highlight of our relationship. Yet what was even more pathetic was that I'd probably talked more to this plant in the last couple of years than I had to Grissom. I cringe when considering what people would think of me if anyone ever found out that I would come home after work and have a one-sided conversation about my day with a piece of vegetation as if it was my child or something.

On second thoughts, screw what other people would think. It helped me get through. Raging at the plant made me feel as if I was venting my feelings directly at the man who had bought it for me in the first place. When all was said and done, however, harsh words spoken in the heat of the moment could be forgotten. There were no awkward confrontations afterwards. Even when I wasn't ranting, I preferred having a one-sided chat with my plant than with Grissom. I could be assured that the plant would never betray my confidence or spread rumours or interfere with my life. The plant didn't ask questions, it simply listened. I could trust it with all my secrets. The same cannot be said for any person I know. But the plant is dead now.

In the end, this fact filled me with sorrow. It had once been filled with life, its plain appearance still managing to liven my living room as it basked in the sun's warmth. Now it was wasted and ugly, and I cried then, because it hit me that I didn't want to end up like my plant. Looking in the mirror though, I gathered that if I had been a plant, I would also probably be dead. _But Sara Sidle is not a plant, _I told myself, _she is a woman who can live again provided she ends things with the man who will otherwise be the death of her. _With a sense of renewed determination, I said my final goodbye to my plant, buried it, got in the car and drove off towards the lab, resolute that I would tell Grissom what had been on my mind for so long.

Now, I sit in my car, having fulfilled that resolution. Sure, I feel more depressed than ever, tears are running freely down my face, which was beginning to hurt from smiling so much, but I said what I had to say. It's not helping matters that our post P.E.A.P counselling session keeps replaying over and over in my mind.

xOx

I feel nervous as I approach his office, but my mind is racing with the preparations I came up with while driving. _You're going to act confident and happy from the moment you step into his office. Smile as frequently as possible. No doubt he'll believe that you have finally got your life back on track. Don't snap at him, let him off the hook gently. Finish the talk as quickly as possible by conceding the mess we are in is my fault, do not have him try to explain himself. Leave with a smile on your face._

I knock on his door. _This is it, Sara, this is it. _He is busy with paperwork. _Do not get distracted. Smile, smile!_

"Hi."

He lifts up his head and takes off his glasses, observing my presence as I enter his office. _There will be no standing at doorways today. Keep a steady voice. Don't sound too cheery._

"You got a minute?"

I proceed to sit opposite him. I suppose he accepted, he is ready to listen, but I would've sat down anyway. _Stop grinning like a fool. Even I would be able to see through that. Retain eye contact. Good._

"We really haven't had a chance to talk since the staff changes." I make myself comfortable in the seat. _Keep your cool, Sara, do not think about Sofia, block out the hurt, block it out, keep talking. _"I, uh, wanted to let you know I may have said some things to Ecklie that might have done the team a disservice."

"Ecklie wanted to break up the team. And he did."

__

Ecklie didn't break us up, Grissom. Stop it, Sara! You're not going to blame him anymore, remember? Damn, his eyes are like crystal wells. Focus!

"He asked me if you and I had had our post P.E.A.P counselling session." _Finish my sentence, Griss, like you always seem to do. Please, say something that will let me get off the topic of my counselling._

"And we didn't. Regardless, you should never have to cover for your boss, I'm sorry." _Perfect, perfect, perfect! And a genuine apology too. Focus! Here we go, Grissom. _

"You've always been a little more than a boss to me." I nod my head slightly, reaffirming what I have known since I moved to Vegas. What I have known and never said to anyone, save my dead plant. I cannot help but smile slightly at the memory of the promise of the past. Out of the corner of my eyes, I notice he is looking up at me, no doubt surprised by my confession. _Baring your feelings to somebody isn't as easy as they make it out to be, is it Sara? _Emotion is beginning to grip my heart, no matter how hard I try to stay focussed. _Especially when you tell the person who stirs up those feelings._ He knows without a doubt now. My mind backs up. _Vegas. _With a smile, I add"Why do you think I moved to Vegas?" Just to make things perfectly clear.

It is this confession that truly shocks him. I can tell from the movement of his eyes that he has never even considered himself as the reason I moved. As much as a small part of me hoped that he would reply with something along the lines of "Why do you think I asked?", I could not help but genuinely smile. He was so clueless sometimes. _But I love him anyway._

Realising that a very awkward silence could quickly developed, I proceeded. _It's time to start letting him off the hook. If he hasn't figured it out after five years, I don't think he ever will. Perhaps we can be friends. I know, but it's the best I can hope for. To salvage our friendship. Start shouldering the blame for our tattered relationship._

"Look, I, uh, I know our relationship has been complicated. It's probably my fault. It's probably definitely my fault..." I nod my head, trying to accept what I just said. _Happy? Even if it's not entirely true?_

"You, uh, completed your counselling, right?"

He was peering intently at me. My mind sighed, though I dared not let this exasperation leave my lips. It was so typical of him to change the subject while I tried to discuss our relationship. _Stop it, Sara. That's what you're ultimately here for, to have your post P.E.A.P counselling session. Who knows, I may be able to bring up some of the issues I discussed with my counsellor._

"Yeah, yes." I quickly correct my casual language. _You have to act professional now/_

"And?"

Here's that opportune moment she was always talking about. What to say? What to say? Leave out the family stuff. It's not suitable. Um. Validation. Mention that. But choose your words carefully.

"Let's just say that...sometimes I look for validation in inappropriate places." For a moment, it feels like I am back in the counsellor's office and I cast my eyes down, remembering how painful that session was. Memories that I experienced that day return and in a matter of milliseconds, I am reminded of how my whole life has been about seeking approval and praise from others. Especially in work, this need for validation had overrun my life. I came to realise that after I missed out on the promotion and felt bitter and worthless for days. _It's in the past, Sara. _Yet just as quickly as that thought is pushed out of my mind, so the double meaning of my words becomes clear. Though it wasn't my initial suggestion, I could just have easily been referring to my pursuit of Grissom. I wondered which meaning he had gathered from my words. But I cannot bring myself to look at him. A sense of loss and sadness is rapidly enveloping me. _Knock it out, Sara. End the meeting, you've said what you had to say. Finish it up, and then you can go and cry._ I shake my head slightly, coming out of my daze, somewhat embarrassed that Grissom has probably been studying me while I revisited the past. I look at him, steadying myself for what he will say next.

"Look, let's, um..."

Now it is my turn to study Grissom. I stare at him, narrowing my eyes, hardly daring to believe that he seems ready to say something. Rightly so. I quickly realise that if he _was_ going to say something, the words died on his lips. _Forget about it, Sara. The only thing that's going to sound now is an extremely awkward pause. Save both yourselves the embarrassment and end this conversation. Besides, he was probably going to reject you again._

It is this thought that tears at my heart. I couldn't bear that sort of humiliation again. I feel that my eyes are beginning to moisten, so I promptly interrupt Grissom's stammering with a small gasp.

"It's ok, ok?" The word "ok" does not help the sob rising in my throat. I understand that he does not know how to answer me, and that truly is okay. He's off the hook now, that's what we both wanted, we are no longer obliged to discuss personal issues. However, I am feeling far from okay because in my heart, I know that no matter how hard I try to convince myself that we are both better off this way, it is not true. At least, not when it comes to me. _Get out of here, Sara. It ends now._

"You know what, we did our session." I reprimand myself for the high pitch of my voice, a consequence of the tears that will spill as soon as I leave this room. _Smile, smile, it will avoid suspicion. _"Don't forget to document this for Ecklie." _That's better, control your voice, steady it. No, Sara, you're imagining things, he does not look disappointed._

"Right." _No, Sara, his voice does not sound flat! Now, smile, thank him and get out!_

I follow my mind's instructions. "Thanks," I smile, lifting myself out off the chair, and making my way as quickly as I can towards his office door. _And don't you dare look back!_

xOx

I didn't look back, and frankly, I don't know how I'll be able to look at him at all. I thought that telling him would make things better. I thought that, with this weight off my chest, I'd finally be able to feel happier. It had all seemed as easy as that when I had decided I would talk to him earlier today. Now, though, I wish I'd never said anything. I feel more miserable than ever. I know now that a simple talk will not erase the love I feel for Gil Grissom. But I sure as hell wish that I could bury my feelings alongside his dead plant.

xOx

AUTHOR'S NOTE: My first fanfic for 2005 goes to CSI! Hmm, I wonder what inspired me to write this ;) I've watched "The Talk" too many times to count, even though I won't see the actual episode until about July. Sigh. Now that I can get through it without crying, I've looked closely at the expressions, borrowed the dialogue and added my own thoughts concerning what Sara would be thinking throughout it all. As is probably obvious by now :) Anyway, I'm thinking that I will follow-up with Grissom's thoughts. Yes? No? Please review :)


End file.
